


Getting to the Bottom (of These Feelings)

by ImDyingLeaveMeAlone



Category: JJCC (Band)
Genre: Join Eddy in the void, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-08-03
Updated: 2016-08-02
Packaged: 2018-07-29 01:10:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,741
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7664494
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ImDyingLeaveMeAlone/pseuds/ImDyingLeaveMeAlone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eddy is having a tough time</p>
            </blockquote>





	Getting to the Bottom (of These Feelings)

“Eddy, what are you doing?” 

 

It had been asked of him a lot today. It had been asked when he could barely drag himself out of bed in the early morning. It was asked when he was pouring milk into the leftover rice at breakfast. It was asked of him when he was trying to put his jacket on as pants. It was asked when he zoned out and took a wrong turn during their run, when he sang the wrong words in the studio continuously, when he kept bumping into the others at dance practice. It had been asked when he sat in the corner at every break instead of socializing with the others. It was asked by his teachers, his bandmates, his managers, and one janitor trying to clean the corner he had been pouting in.

 

He had no answers for any of them.

 

He had been running on autopilot lately, taking no pleasure in anything. It was an endless routine of get up, run, eat, sing, record Pops in Seoul, dance, eat, dance, sleep, repeat. Repeat and repeat again. Usually the monotony was interspersed with a couple of hours to hang out with Mak and/or the guys, or to visit with his family, but even if they did have time off now so he could hang out with or have sex with Henry, or so he could fight with his parents, it wouldn’t have interested him. If Eddy could have brought himself to be worried, he would have been for himself.

 

He had thought he would be happier at this point. Sure, he was in a group that was slowly gaining popularity, and he had completed his military service years earlier which left his future free. He had a caring boyfriend that he was pretty sure loved him totally. He had friends, pets, was working, had a warm bed at night in a cozy house and a contract to secure that. 

 

For all that, still none if it seemed... real, or worth it.

 

It was an unpleasant feeling, and drained Eddy completely. This void that had come out of nowhere to suck away his enjoyment of life. He used to be so much happier.

 

He had been happier when he was working harder and life was shittier. He completed his idol training and his stunt training, competed on Masterchef, and on top of all that had spent an almost miserable year lusting after Joonyoung and feeling cheated by the attraction. Yet he had still felt like a whole person, despite missing so many of the things that he now used to define who he was (JJCC, his host work, Henry, his fashion sense, his ability to outdrink all his friends).

 

No one would ask him what he was doing in those days. Or if they did, he had an actual answer for them. Now he just didn’t know.

 

So it was after this long, agonizing day of feeling unhappy for no discernable reason that they returned to the house. All Eddy wanted was to wash away the stress of the day.

 

He went to the shower (his second of the day, and the other guys had showered in the morning as well so no one had a reason to join him) and turned the taps to their hottest setting. If he burned, at least that was something he could feel.

 

If he had to put a name to what he was feeling, one that was more apt than unhappy, he would have to say he was feeling hollow. Hollow, like he could open his mouth to the shower and drink and drown and still he would be empty inside.

 

He didn’t do that, much as he wanted to, instead letting the hot water sluice over his body. It did burn, and he enjoyed the sensation and the way his skin soon turned that red and mottled color. At first it was hard to breathe in all the steam, but eventually he found it helped relax him, and he could take slow, measured breaths.

 

Enveloped in heat, washing away all of his mistakes and frustrations of the day, Eddy began to feel better. No one was asking him what he was doing; he was doing nothing wrong. It was just him, alone, warm, finding peace.

 

“Hey, Eddy, what are you doing?”

 

It was asked again, by Henry this time, and something in Eddy snapped as the small peace he had found shattered.

 

“Having a fucking shower, what does it look like?”

 

He heard Henry settle himself on the counter. 

 

Eddy and Henry had always spent a lot of time together, truthfully out of necessity (Henry still barely knew Korean). In the early days there were times where they just wandered around the house together talking, and when Eddy occasionally went to do his own things around the house, Henry (having few boundaries where Eddy was concerned) would perch near and continue to talk. Eddy rarely minded, especially since Henry wasn’t wont to simply join him in the shower (unlike Joonyoung) at times like this. That certainly changed as their relationship developed and became more intense, but his presence right now was grating on Eddy. 

 

He just wanted to stand in the steam and pretend not to exist, to pretend to have no problems, for even just a few more moments.

 

But of course he wasn’t even allowed that small mercy.

 

Eddy let out a resigned sigh, because after all he loved him, and maybe Henry could make him feel like himself again.

 

He had been half listening to Henry prattle on about how Eddy seemed off lately and about how Henry knew it wasn’t his fault. He was saying he loved him, and Eddy just needed a rest, and their instructors shouldn’t have been so hard on him, and that janitor had no right to make Eddy mop that corner for him.

 

Eddy didn’t exactly want to be reminded of all of that, but of course Henry was oblivious. He tried to still his mind, and let the water and Prince’s words roll off of him. He turned his face to the water, holding his breath. It was a pleasant feeling, the tension in his chest, as his lungs began to burn and the hot water hit his face, but he still couldn’t drown out Prince completely. Soon his body betrayed him, forcing him to to take a breath, and Eddy spluttered in the stream of water. Henry didn’t even stop talking to ask if he was okay.

 

He turned the water off, resigned, and shook the water from his face, giving one last stretch to his tired body. 

 

Prince cut off his tirade when he heard the single curtain draw back. Eddy was ruffling his hair to shake off the excess water it had collected, when Henry stood before him, towel in hand. He reached for it, stepping out of the tub and closer to Mak, and was surprised when Henry grabbed his arm instead and began drying it off.

 

He was using their best towel, the fluffy one that they reserved for humans only and kept away from animals and spills. Henry very gently towelled off Eddy’s entire body, his hands thorough, yet working softly and kindly over his body.

 

Something in Eddy responded, and he felt a little better. He know he should feel more, feel love or appreciation and demonstrate that to Prince. But he just felt tired, and couldn’t summon the energy.

 

When he was dry Henry draped the towel around his shoulders, and planted a small kiss on his nose.

 

“Come curl up in bed with me bro.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Mak left first, with a small smile to encourage or reassure Eddy, he couldn’t tell. He secured the towel about his waist when Henry was gone and braced his arms on either side of the sink, taking a moment to study himself. 

 

He was flushed from the heat, and with his hair tousled and damp, and wide chest beginning to gooseflesh. Overall, he would have considered himself quite attractive in that moment, if not for his eyes.

 

Haggard was the word for his eyes. Dark bags hung below, showing just how exhausted he was. No matter how much he contorted his face, lifted his eyebrows, his lids hung heavy. With eyes so wide, he always thought his gaze came off sad, but it was so much worse now. They were pools of despair. He tried to hold his own gaze, but when he found it was just making him even more sad, he turned and padded down the hall to see Henry.

 

He wasn’t looking forward to Prince putting the moves on him, which was likely since he seemed to be caring about him tonight, but he knew he could always rightfully claim tiredness and hopefully Henry would just let him sleep.

 

Eddy pushed open the door to Henry’s single room and was surprised to see him making his bed, tucking in the corners fastidiously.

 

“Uh, aren’t we just going to ruin that?”

 

“Well I hope so.” Prince brushed some invisible lint off his bed, then with another gentle smile went to gather Eddy. “But it’s easier for a massage when someone can lay flat.”

 

Eddy scrunched his face in confusion. Why the hell would Henry be offering him (if he was requesting he would be naked on the bed by now, so Eddy knows it’s an offer) a massage?

 

He would ask, but asking would lead to talking which would lead to comments about how he was doing which would lead to denial and yelling and being even more miserable. So Eddy didn’t ask, but instead lay on the bed on his stomach, loosening the towel so it lay unrestricted over his lower back and ass.

 

Clammy hands started at his shoulders, and long fingers digging in before smoothing over the skin.

 

“Man, you usually aren’t so tense after a shower. Are you okay Eddy?”

 

Eddy thought he was going to be okay, but he really wasn’t and he couldn’t tell Henry that. In lieu of answering he merely grunted into the bed, deciding to let him interpret that how he would.

 

Thankfully, whatever Henry thought, he was keeping quiet about it. With quiet intention he set to work on rubbing the worries from Eddy’s weary body, and Eddy tried his best to breathe deeply and allow himself to relax into the touch.

 

Henry was being unusually nice to him, and Eddy’s frustration at himself grew. He wanted to express himself, Prince deserved to know what was going on with him but right now he really couldn’t. Usually physical contact was all he needed to relax. Usually a touch or a kiss would sate him, would bring him back to himself. In days past, it was Joonyoung that would rub his shoulders after a long day and ease the worries from his mind, and not expect words in return. But now he had Mak and he was committed to his Prince and he wished he could talk to him but it would only bring Mak down if he did. 

 

Eddy really missed Joonyoung, and those days with him. He wasn’t emotionally tied to him like he was to Prince, so during that time he wasn’t pressured to be anything but his worn out sad self. He didn’t have to explain anything, but with Henry it felt as if he had to explain everything.

 

Eddy bucked up suddenly, dumping Henry off him to sit alone on the bed as he began pacing around the room. Then he immediately felt weird about that, and ended in fetal position beside Prince on the bed.

 

In his hollow chest there was a knot of dark anxiety. He couldn’t reconcile his thoughts, wants, and feelings. All he wanted was to be back in those trainee days, when he was hopeful and his biggest problem was passing his vocal test, when he wasn’t bone tired all the time, when he was eating and working out more, when he had free time to hang out with his friends, when he wasn’t completely worried all the time about what careless touch or look or word may give away his relationship with Henry, when he wasn’t worried their group wouldn’t become successful, when he wasn’t worried that he actually didn’t have what it took to work as an action star and make his family proud.

 

Henry wanted to help, but he couldn’t because he didn’t know. He didn’t know how Eddy felt, how his attempts only made it worse, only reminded him of days spent with Joonyoung.

 

No one knew that Joonyoung had been his first, that their oldest member had always taken care of him when he was stressed. No one knew how easy it was for them, or how much Eddy appreciated someone to simply hold him in those days. How he eased his worries of being alone, without requiring him to share how he was feeling. 

 

Now he had someone, he wasn’t alone, but he felt he had to share how he was feeling and that was the most stressful experience for Eddy. And all Henry was doing at the moment was staring, mouth gaping, at Eddy, a hand half extended as if uncertain if he should touch him.

 

Eddy wished it were Joonyoung here with him, and felt terrible for the thought. But he wouldn’t have to explain anything to him, wouldn’t have to do anything but reach out.

 

Henry opened his mouth to speak, and in that second Eddy made the decision. He decided to leave his worries like he used to. He decided to deal with this as if it were Joonyoung, and pray Henry would understand, or sense his need for this at least. He decided he’d have to leave or break down completely if he didn’t do this, and really he did love Henry so much and this was as good a way as any to show him that, when he was so full of despair and unable to vocalize it.

 

Eddy reached out towards Henry, mirroring his kneeling position on the bed and wrapping his arms about his torso. Henry looked surprised, but couldn’t make a sound before Eddy’s mouth was on his. Just on. He didn’t move his lips, didn’t open his mouth. There was no demand or request from him. He just needed Henry to make the next move, whatever that may be. 

 

He sighed when he felt Henry smile, felt his arms move up to drape around his shoulders and pull him closer. Henry kissed him, very sweetly, and held his neck with a hand, stroking it with his thumb as their kiss slowly deepened.

 

Eddy knew Henry could feel his sadness now, just as he could feel his growing arousal. It was in the way he was so gentle. It was in the way he shut up for once. It was in the way his body responded, and in the way he hummed to himself and held Eddy closer.

 

Eddy would be holding back tears if he could cry; it was just what he needed. It felt just like the intense and quiet trysts he would have with Joonyoung, that would bring him back to himself. It was just the way he needed to be taken care of, the way he needed to feel loved no matter how shitty and pointless his life was.

 

“So, no angry sex tonight?” It was asked so purely, so honestly, Eddy couldn’t help but laugh despite himself.

 

“No, not tonight.”

 

Henry smiled at Eddy and pushed him back, softly. He gingerly nudged Eddy’s thighs open with a knee, and lowered himself so he was cradled between Eddy’s legs, supporting his weight on forearms placed by Eddy’s head. He allowed their torsos to graze each other, mainly for emotional comfort but mostly he didn’t quite have the core strength to hold himself completely up.

 

Henry kissed him again, fingers playing at ears and hair, Eddy thought about how they hadn’t done this, hadn’t had a quiet, honest to god make-out foreplay session without fighting in so, so long.

 

He felt badly about it, because he felt like it was his fault that they hadn’t, with all his moodiness. Recently they only had energy if they were fighting and angry at each other, or angry about something else. Recently he only had energy when he was mad, so it was the only way he could bear to be with Henry in the ways that counted.

 

With Joonyoung in trainee days they always had energy for sweeter moments. Eddy had more energy in general, he thought, but Joonyoung would always sense when he was feeling low and quietly pull him aside, to a bedroom or anywhere away from the others, and he would show Eddy how to touch, how to make someone sigh and release all those pent up worries and anxieties and angers till there was only joy and contentment.

 

He helped him, in the most casual way, figure out who he was and what he wanted, in a time when everyone else was telling him who he should be and what he should want. Eddy would always remember that, and cherish the memories of them together.

 

If only those cherished memories didn’t color these moments with Henry. That was his only regret, that he could be so happy, but still bittersweet, over what he had in his past with Joonyoung.

 

It was hard trying to hide himself from Henry. Henry just cared so much for him.

 

Even now, the way he was hesitantly kissing Eddy’s neck and ears expressed how much he cared, how much he was sensing from Eddy. Joonyoung would have done the same, but Eddy wouldn’t have felt bad about it, just grateful.

 

He was grateful to Henry as well, but overall he was frustrated, and wanted to forget about Joonyoung. He was with Henry now. His life may be shit, but he was with Henry.

 

Henry, who was warm to him, even when they were fighting. Henry, who always tried to make Eddy smile in that idiotic way of his, being dumb when he didn’t realize how dumb he actually was. Henry, who would eat all his meat but give his extra vegetables to Eddy when they were dieting, despite still being hungry because he said Eddy needed more nutrients to keep up with him.

 

He had to be the dumbest man on Earth to love such an idiot, but love him Eddy did. Especially now. Especially here.

 

He had been cool when he came out of the shower, in his hollow little heart, but Henry’s earnestness was igniting a small warmth again.

 

As was not unusual as of late, he had another small moment of panic, a small moment of realization that he really loved Henry, which meant this probably what the rest of his life was going to be like. He would be trapped feeling like this, not trusting himself to tell Henry things until he broke down and they have nights like this, nights where Eddy could barely stomach himself, haunted by his past and his future simultaneously.

 

Henry laughed quietly when Eddy’s breath caught, naturally assuming it was his doing. It was, just not exactly how either of them would have liked. But Henry didn’t know that.

 

“Henry...” 

 

“It’s okay, I’ll grab the lube, and a condom since you just showered.”

 

He had wanted to get the words out. Some words, any words. But now Henry was out of his arms and rummaging under the bed. And Eddy was cold and scared, and just wanted to feel in control again.

 

Covering his face with his hands, he lay there and drove his heels into his eyes. If he couldn’t feel good, he could at least relax and feel less bad.

 

He brought his legs up automatically when he felt the bed dip from Henry’s weight returning.

 

They were well practiced enough that neither felt the need to ask stupid questions like “is this okay?” or “are you close?”, and instead would read where the other was from experience and instinct.

 

That’s how Henry knew he needed to add more lube, despite how much Eddy loved that raw burning feeling (usually he used too much in their angry sex and on top of that Eddy was always more relaxed and loose during those episodes). It’s how Henry knew when to add a finger, when to change pace, when to curl his fingers at just the right angle to keep Eddy at his peak. It’s how he knew when to retire his cramping hand and slide into his agitated boyfriend.

 

It’s how Eddy knew Henry was super concerned for him. It’s how he knew with every stroke it was killing him to stay restrained, to adjust to the sweet pace and fight his need to fuck into him furious. It’s how Eddy knew Henry was loving every moment inside him, how the way Eddy would clutch his shoulders and dig his hands into his back drove him wild while keeping him focused.

 

It’s how Henry knew when to take Eddy in his hand and how Eddy knew to kiss him, gasping, through their orgasms.

 

Experience and instinct. And trust.

 

They laid there as one body, panting as their brains slowly began working again, and gradually the darkness that Eddy had managed to push away crept back in.

 

Eddy pushed Henry off of himself, and when he burrowed his face into his pillow Eddy rested his own on Henry’s warm back. He pressed a lazy kiss against a freckle on his back and nuzzled close, enjoying the way Henry mumbled wordlessly in sleepy protest at the slight whisker burn.

 

Joonyoung always did the same, when Eddy was too lazy in his youth to shave. But Joonyoung would never fall asleep on Eddy; most nights he would clean himself up and be on his way, but there were times he would stay, would curl up and compliment Eddy on his heat, would play with his long hair and hum happily. They’d talk then, talk about their dreams, their wants for the future. 

 

Or rather Eddy would talk, and Joonyoung would listen in that easy way he had (Eddy never felt he had to talk, not like with Prince). He just knew Joonyoung would listen and not judge him, and even if he did judge him, it still wouldn’t change their relationship.

 

Joonyoung kept a lot to himself, but gave so much of himself at the same time, it was hard to reconcile that with the fact he really was quite a private person. Eddy had no such reservations, so he got used to spending their few nights together talking about what he wanted, and what made him happy.

 

He had always thought, as long as he was doing what he enjoyed, and if he found someone to love and share that with, that he’d have a happy life. Yet even after such a nice night with Prince, Eddy still couldn’t find it in himself to be happy.

 

The things that really did make him happy... were just so few. Sure, he had his work. He got to perform for a living. Out of all their members, Eddy worked the hardest, hosting Pops In Seoul and doing other guest appearances on top of his work with his bandmates. It kept him busy, if not as busy as his trainee days, which had been what he always thought he wanted. And he had Prince, who grudgingly, inexplicably, made him happy. 

 

It just... didn’t seem like enough. Shouldn’t a happy person be able to have a list of tangible, fun things that made them happy? Not just things that made them money and kept them from being alone? 

 

Joonyoung had his crafts and art to make him happy. Youngjin had his family and his plants. Hadon had his pets and his schoolwork (Eddy had never seen a kid enjoy studying languages or acting so much). Daehwan and Chanyul had each other, and in that seemed the happiest of all the members. Prince had Eddy, and his personal music, and his joy of dance. Eddy felt as if he had nothing.

 

With an ache in his heart worse than his sex stretched body, he turned from Henry to curl up in a ball on his side. This wasn’t what he wanted, this wasn’t what he thought he’d be feeling at this point in his life.

 

He could feel Henry at his back, fully relaxed and peaceful. It stressed him out. He couldn’t sleep, couldn’t get out of his head, so he finally rolled out of bed.

 

He threw on his pink robe (it was fluffy and made him feel good and had been a gift from Prince, shut up) and wandered out. He still wasn’t feeling secure. He was still warm flush from Henry, but in the darkness the house seemed small and stuffy.

 

A shudder passed through his body, and he decided to make his way to the roof, where he could get some space and fresh air. He quietly padded down the hallway, trailed by a kitten swatting and pouncing on his robe. Eddy pushed her away with his foot when they reached the sliding doors, and slipped out before the lithe creature could follow. Sometimes he enjoyed playing with the cats, but today he needed to be alone.

 

Which was why he was put out when he heard someone was already out there.

 

They were singing quietly to themselves, but it wasn’t a voice that usually sang to itself which gave Eddy pause. He didn’t want to intrude on Joonyoung, but he had been thinking so much about him this night that it may have been good to talk to him.

 

He moved away from the door and gave an obvious cough, unsure if Joonyoung had missed the sound of the door.

 

Joonyoung was leaning against the ledge on his pointy elbows, a beer cradled in his hand. He cocked his head to look at Eddy, and raised his hand to give a salute and a smile. He stopped singing in favour of taking a swig of his beer, and gestured for Eddy to join him.

 

Eddy was relieved this was not one of those times where Joonyoung threatened to throw him off the roof for interrupting him, despite their comparative sizes and capabilities. Crossing the small distance, he made sure to grab a couple full cans from the ground before settling in beside Joonyoung.

 

“Couldn’t sleep, Eddy?” 

 

His voice was soft and kind... and happy. It was unusual for Joonyoung to seem so content, and so at odds with how Eddy felt at this moment. So instead of answering verbally, Eddy shook his head, cracked open a beer and downed it. Unlike the younger members, Joonyoung was great at picking up nonverbal cues. That would be enough to tell him how bad he really was.

 

“Oh, Eddy...” True to form, he grasped it in a minute. “In two words or less, tell me what it is. If you want...”

 

Finishing his beer, he exhaled and crushed the can before answering. “Everything...

 

“I just... remember how we used to be, Joonyoung?”

 

Eddy could tell Joonyoung had been going to laugh at the ‘Everything’, but the follow up made him pause. It probably wasn’t the way to phrase it, Eddy realized; he just wanted to know if Joonyoung could tell how unhappy he had become. Now Eddy hated that he was weak and scared and couldn’t talk to Henry, and that now he was probably dragging Joonyoung into unwanted memories. 

 

They hadn’t spoken about what had gone on between them in such a long time. Joonyoung was just private a person, and that was long over. But Eddy was tired and hollow again and he didn’t know how to be happy. All he wanted was help to feel better. And if he could trust anyone to help him, he would trust Joonyoung.

 

He just hated that he was probably going to ruin his apparent good mood tonight with his own. 

 

Before he could regurgitate all the words that had built up inside him, all the explanations, the door to the roof slid open once more and Eddy had to swallow them down again, silently cursing whoever had come to interrupt them.

**Author's Note:**

> Second time posting this; I'm hoping to keep my momentum going but would love some feedback to see what people think so far. This fic will definitely not go where you think it's going to!


End file.
